Growth and Change

A lot has changed since my last post including: job changes, living abroad in France and seizure stability, so let me bring you up to speed!

Loss and Change

In 2016, my grandpa went to the Veterans Home because his dementia had worsened. At the time, I was not working and spent as much time as I could with him. I was able to

make lifelong memories and create a special bond with my grandpa. Later that year in November, he passed away and it was one of my toughest losses. I will always remember his smile, genuine personality, and love for family.

I started working at the VA a few months later and had an amazing experience there. A few months into the job, I was approached by my college French Professor to apply for a program called Teaching Assistant Program in France (TAPIF); TAPIF is a program that places individuals in regions all over France to teach English to French students. With the application deadline being the next day, I did not have much time to prepare. I thought, I’ll apply and we will see what happens. I probably won’t get it. A few months later, I was accepted for the 2017-2018 school year and was beyond excited for this opportunity to live in France (a dream of mine since I was 15). Although I had my dream in front of me, I had to make a choice: stay at the VA or choose TAPIF. Pushing my fears aside, I chose to go to France and live my dream because my health was finally stable.

September of 2017, I left home and everything I knew for another country and culture. My aunts flew out with me to help get me settled in the place I would call home for the next seven months. I had no housing lined up. No bank account. No phone plan. One day, I came to Taverny with my aunts. After failing to find a hotel, we sat outside the train station defeated. I looked up when I heard a voice ask, “Are you lost?” I thought to myself, finally someone who speaks English! She told us to bring our bags and follow her to her house so she could help us search for a hotel. Slightly skeptical, my aunts and I followed her back to her home where she found us a hotel for the next night and took us in until then. My aunts returned home a few days later and she gave me a room until I found an apartment. With no luck finding housing, she offered for me to stay with her and her husband until I found something. I kept searching, but the prospects were slim. She told me that if I didn’t find anything, I could live with them until I went back to the U.S. After multiple housing options fell through, I asked if I could live with them. I remember seeing the smile on her face when I asked, as if I was one of her children coming home. And that is how it was from that day on. Françoise and her husband Domi have loved me, supported me, and treated me like one of their own. Everything happens for a reason and I’m glad I was lost that day.

What I learned

TAPIF gave me the opportunity to grow as a person and get to know myself. I learned a lot about myself in the time that I was in France. The person who I was over seven months ago is not who I am today, and that is a good thing. I was: close-minded, lazy, anxious, and afraid of change. Now, I am none of those things. I am Audrey 2.0. How did I make the change? By confronting my fears head on, and as the Nike slogan says, “Just do it”. Here is what I learned in my short time away:

1. I can do hard things.
2. I have control over my anxiety; it does not have control over me.
3. I am my own best friend.
4. Exercise is a good thing.
5. Be a yes man because you never know what opportunities lie ahead.
6. I can travel alone and have a blast.
7. I like cheese!...and a plethora of other foods.

I learned that I can do hard things by working through the many hard moments that I encountered while abroad. Whether it was: a tooth extraction, public transit, rough day at work, or homesickness; perseverance is key. “If you can’t beat fear, do it scared (Glennon Doyle Melton).” I am naturally a fighter and it is not in my nature to quit, but I would be lying if I said it did not cross my mind to quit and go home. Looking back at those moments of weakness, I am so glad that I fought through them and decided to stay in France. This trip became so much more than just improving my French; it was a journey of experiences and finding myself.

I created my own fear and anxiety for many years that I was a prisoner to. Now, I am able to know my anxious cycles and tackle and task: traveling to other countries, mastering public transit in one of the biggest cities in the world, and learning how to teach are just a few. What does an anxious cycle look like? A thought that makes me anxious, me constantly obsessing about the thought, physical signs of anxiety (picking skin and hair), and feeling like I want to jump out of my skin. A cycle can be triggered by: a sudden change, feeling a lack of control, or worry about the future. Now, I know my triggers and work daily to not feed into my anxiety and know that things will work out. I am in control of my anxiety and it is not in control of me. 
I used to wait on others to go out and do things, waiting for them to entertain me. I have a new best friend in town and her name is Audrey. That’s right. I am now my own best friend. Whether it was going: to the store, a quick trip to Paris, or an afternoon at home, Audrey is always down to hang out. Learning to entertain myself has been one of the hardest things I have had to do. Since I was a child, I have struggled with finding things to do. Being in France, I was forced to go out and adventure. Along the way, I discovered myself.

Exercise is not terrible! If I venture from the couch, and put one foot in front of the other, I just might like it. Nine months ago, I lived a sedentary lifestyle of working eight hours a day, commuting and sitting on the couch. Now, I exercise daily and am in the best shape of my life. I feel better than I ever have and I crave exercise on a daily basis. I could not imagine going back to my old lifestyle. Not only is exercise good for me physically, it is good for my epilepsy (my seizures have decreased dramatically as a result). I look forward to continuing a life of exercise!

Say yes to opportunities. My most used word was “no” when it came to trying new things before I left for France. I lived in a constant fear of change and the anxiety that it brought me. I have started being the “yes man”, and have found that I have had more experiences and opportunities as a result of it. I met new people, visited amazing places, and worked on a translation project. By saying yes, I have subconsciously changed my mindset from close minded to open minded - that is success for me.

I have always been afraid to go places alone. I was afraid of all of the what ifs and hid behind the excuse of “something could happen”. Looking back, it seems silly to have been scared. My first maiden voyage alone to Germany showed me that if I could travel to another country by train, I could do anything. It was from that point on that I knew I could travel alone and have fun. I was able to go to La Rochelle by myself and plan my own day trips while remaining completely entertained.

J’aime pas… or as we would say in English, “I don’t like that”. For the most part of my life there has been a large list of foods that I have stayed away from – cheese being at the top of the list. Living in France, you simply cannot not like cheese. I discovered comté and now I am a cheese fan as well as a fan of other foods I thought I hated. I at least try food once, and if I do not like it, then I can say that I do not like something. This mindset is very different than the one I left home with.

To sum it up, each experience molded me into the person I am now and I am thankful for the opportunity to have lived in France. Life starts on the edge of your comfort zone and as soon as you embrace change is when you grow the most. I can’t wait for Audrey 3.0.